The Heart Brings You Back
by WritingMonkey
Summary: A few months after the shooting. How will things be between Spencer and Ashley, her family? Will she be the same, was anyone hurt? Questions abound, kind of has a bit of a dark side. You find out. Rated M for some language.
1. The Ring In Return

_AN: I'm not exactly sure about this one. I have the whole thing written already, so I'll update with new posts roughly everday, but I guess I'm just not feeling like this turned out how I wanted it. Sorry to those who think making Aiden an ass is a cop-out, but well, I did, and I will kind of deal with it later. Let me know what you think of this story, I completely understand if you think it sucks, because I kind of do, but I am probably my own worst critic. So anyway, here's the story, read, review, enjoy hopefully._

**-The Ring In Return-**

Nearly three months ago my life took a completely different turn than I ever thought it would. On my prom night, I was shot. I lived, obviously, but I don't think I'll ever be the same girl I once was. Since then, my parents have gotten a divorce, my brothers moved in with my mother, and I have been spending the summer before senior year in Ohio, away from all of the madness.

In a week I'll be going back. I don't know how I feel about that. The first two months here, at my grandmother's in rural Ohio, I spent mostly in the house watching bad TV, willing the pain in my shoulder to go away. These past few weeks, I've been slowly going out, showing up at random parties, occasionally drinking away my misery, always refusing any advances from the hicks out here. Right now, I don't want to be with anyone, I just want to be left alone, just me and my bullet hole to keep me company. But I have to go back, and after all of this time, I still don't know what to do when I head back to my life.

_Ring! Ring!_

I find my phone on the floor, it's my dad. He calls every other day to check up on me. I miss him, and I know he must be lonely, all alone in our house, but I can't bring myself to head back any earlier.

"Hey Dad."

"How are you Spencer? Excited about coming back this weekend?"

"Sure, sure, can't wait."

Yes, there's sarcasm in my voice, but not so much that my dad picks up on it, he knows how I feel about coming home, he understands.

"So how was your week Dad, anything interesting happen?"

"No, nothing much really. You know she stopped by again yesterday, she still calls twice a week too."

That would be Ashley he's talking about. Oh Ashley, where to begin with you? Let me see…how about with the fact that it took her a whole week before she finally came to see me in the hospital. Yeah, I was pissed to say the least. I was angry and hurt, convinced I had lost her. I knew she didn't get hurt in the shooting, I was the only one out of our dysfunctional circle of friends that was wounded. Glen, Clay, Chelsea, Madison, Aiden, Kyla, Ashley – all fine. They had some scratches between them, but that was it, I was the only one shot somehow. Odd, I know considering most of us, at least Ashley, Aiden, Kyla and I were all standing relatively close. But no, Aiden, being the man that he so wishes he was, stepped in front of Ashley and pulled her and effectively Kyla along with him since she was so close by, to the ground.

Me on the other hand, I was a few feet away. So by the time I realized what was going on, it was all over with, and I was on the ground with blood oozing out of my shoulder. Funny thing is, I didn't even cry, I didn't make one noise, I just sat up, and stared at my shoulder. I barely reacted at all, shock I guess. By the time the others realized I was hit, they came rushing over to me. Well, Ashley did, and then Glen and Clay, followed by Chelsea. I guess that must have been when I passed out from blood loss, because the next thing I remember was being rushed into surgery, bullet lodged into my shoulder.

A week later, she showed up, I was sure she was going to tell me she wanted to be with Aiden. But she didn't, she didn't say much at first. I couldn't really look at her, everything hurt too much. She knew what I was thinking and then she spoke, told me how she felt.

"_I don't love him Spencer, not like I love you. And now, I don't even know if I ever want to see him again, for being such an ass. I don't know why I didn't just tell you right then that it was you I love, that it could never be anyone else. But for some reason I didn't want to hurt his feelings, he was my friend, and I wanted to let him down gently, but I didn't know how, not in that moment. And then all hell broke lose, and the next thing I know, I look over at you, sitting up, staring at your shoulder. You were shot."_

I didn't look at her the entire time she was talking. I just sat there and listened as I looked out the window, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

"_You were shot, and I ran over to you, and I was yelling for you to say something, anything, but you just looked at me, and then passed out, blood still seeping from your shoulder. I stayed with you, putting pressure on your wound while your brothers called 911 and paced frantically praying you were okay. We all went to the hospital with you, and then you went into surgery and I just waited, for hours. A doctor came out and told you're parents you would be okay. We were all so grateful. You're dad told us all to go home, that he would call when you woke up and let us know when we could come visit. It took me this long to get here because it took Kyla this long to convince me that I wasn't going to lose you."_

Kyla had come to visit a few times while I was still in the hospital. She told me she had found Ashley standing in the spot where she scattered her dad's ashes overlooking the strip in a daze, the day after the prom. Kyla took her home, tried to convince Ashley that I wasn't going to die, and a week later she got her to come out of her room, to go to the hospital.

"_I get that you might not want to talk to me let alone see me right now. I am the one responsible for you doubting how I feel about you. So unless you tell me otherwise, I'll leave. I'll give you as much space as you need. But just know this Spencer; I love you, more than anything in this world. And nothing could ever change that; I will never stop loving you. I love you Spence, with all my heart, nothing will ever change that."_

And she left, because I let her, because I didn't want her stay. I didn't know what to say to her, I didn't know how to react. But she called everyday to make sure I was okay, she made sure whoever came to see me let me know that she still loved me, well most of the people that came anyway. Kyla stopped by a few times, as much concerned about Ashley as she was me, but I didn't know what to say, to anyone, so I just didn't. I barely spoke.

"She still calls me every night too, Dad. I know she's worried, but I just can't talk to her yet."

"I know how she feels Spence, and I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, but tell me anyway."

"God, I don't even know. I do know that I love her, that will never change. But I don't know if that's enough. But tell her that dad, tell her that I love her, and it's just going to take me some time to be able to talk to her, I don't know why, but I just need some time."

"Okay Spence. It's getting late, I'll let you go, I'm glad you're coming home soon."

"Me too Dad, good night."

She does call me every night. I never answer though; she leaves a message on my cell every time. Sometimes she has more to say than other times, but really, she says the same thing each day. She tells me that she loves me, she always will, and that she'd wait forever for me if she had to. And I know she means it, I know she would wait, because I know how much she loves me. I just don't know what to do with that though. This is the new me, I feel like I don't know a damn thing anymore.

But I knew all of that already, I knew that Ashley really loved me. But how did I know? Because we all eventually found out how big of an ass Aiden really is. He came to see me in the hospital a few days after Ashley finally stopped by. He actually hit on me.

"_What do you want Aiden, you of all people should know I am not your biggest fan at the moment."_

"_I know, but I just figured, since Ashley rejected me, and you apparently rejected her too, I wanted to know if you wanted hang out sometime. Grab a burger, maybe take in a make out session at the movies?"_

"_What the hell Aiden!? Are you insane? One, I'm gay, two, never, three, what the fuck about Ashley!?"_

"_Chill, I'm over her, everyone could use a little Aiden."_

"_My God you have got to be the biggest ass on the planet! Just get the hell out; I don't ever want to see you again!"_

So now I have less than a week until I have to face everything again. I've stopped drinking, it does nothing for me anymore. But at least the pain in my shoulder has lessened, it's merely a dull ache now, I still can't use it as well as my other one yet, but I'm getting there. Sometimes I don't know what I was thinking when I told my dad I wanted to spend the summer in Ohio, away from everything and everyone. It is so damn boring here. But then I remember what I'm heading back to, the issues I left unresolved, and the love I don't know if I can ever go back to. I'll just have to see when I get there.


	2. Cut Up Angels

**-Cut Up Angels-**

Ah, sunny L.A. how I've missed you so. I just stepped off the plane ride from hell. I am officially never flying alone again. I probably would have been able to handle the turbulence better if I didn't have that sweaty kid hitting on me the entire time. He must've been like 13, so gross, but he would not shut up. Not even my iPod could provide enough distraction. I was tempted to tell him I was gay but I figured that might only encourage him more.

So now here I am, L.A. meet the new Spencer Carlin. Let's see, I'm depressed, I have a much darker mind, I'm angered easily, short with my temper, bitchy, sarcastic, lost. The moment that bullet lodged itself in my shoulder was the moment the old Spencer died. Gone is the optimism, the perpetual cheeriness, the bubbly attitude and almost constant smile. I am now a jaded teen, a part of me died that day, and I guess my new attitude reflects that fairly well. How angsty and broody, huh? Welcome back to the madness Spence.

I was only back for a day before school started back up. I hadn't talked to anyone besides my dad. Now I had to get up for the 'fun' to begin. My shoulder twinged in pain as I woke, but I just ignored it, I'm so used to it by now. Of course, I was running late, I'm not much of a punctual person anymore; I could care less if I actually arrive on time.

I arrive with about five minutes to spare. I parked my car and slowly, ever so slowly, dragged my ass out of it. Yeah, I have my own car now; dad bought it for me, nothing special. It's an old LeBaron convertible. I think it suits me somewhat, has a little underlying attitude of its own. So anyway, when I finally got out of my – what I assume will be a rust bucket in a few short years – car, what do I see? Only the head bitch herself circling some prey. Some things never change.

But then I hear it, and I see her. Madison yells something to the effect of 'At least I'm not some dyke who couldn't even keep a cripple happy,' and now I'm pissed. Because I see Ashley, and I know that hurts her, I can see it in her face, even from twenty yards away. I know she's angry, hell I'm angry and I only caught the tail end of the argument. She lunges at Madison, knocks her over, and then she gets flipped and suddenly Ashley is about to get the shit beat out of her. So I do what no one else is willing to, because despite everything I still love Ashley, and because Madison is such a bitch, and because I'm not afraid of her, and I could care less what happens to me. So I go to pull the bitch off of Ashley.

"Get the fuck off of her you low rent whore!"

Everyone gasps. The people that knew me, or at least knew of me, are all surprised by what comes out of my mouth, the way I look, the anger in my eyes. If I had to describe the way I look now compared to last year, I guess I would say it like this; pre-prom Spencer was sweet and innocent, an angel if you will. Post-prom Spencer is like the dark, death angel version. If I added some more black, dyed my hair dark, and fully embraced my inner demons, I might dress completely Goth, but I don't take it that far. I never was one for all black. So I still have my blonde hair, my 'pure' looks, I'm just edgier, harder, definitely angrier. I was Buffy, now I'm Faith. Like I said, I'm not the same person I used to be. And God, why the hell do I seem to need to point out how much I've changed?

So I yank Madison up to a standing position, right in front of me before I lay a blow across her face that sends her flying to the ground. Yeah, I knocked her out, definitely not the old Spencer Carlin. After I'm sure she's not getting up, I chance a glance at Ashley, who is still sitting on the ground, looking at me with a shocked expression. Seeing that she's not seriously hurt, I turn around and just walk away like nothing happened, leaving a mass of students in my wake, not sure what the hell just happened. But they all know, nothing will ever be the same; they shouldn't have expected it to be.

Three days later I'm back standing in front of the school. Why three days you ask, because some idiot teacher caught the end of the fight where I knocked out Madison, so I ended up with a three-day suspension, Madison with a bruise covering the left side of her face and a slight concussion. Yeah, it was so worth it. So now I'm back, and people are making a point of staying out of my way, and I'm pleased with myself. Job well done Spence.

But then I see her walking towards me, and my mood slightly falters, I know I can't avoid her forever, it's already been three months, I owe it to the both of us to not run away again. She still called me every night like she did over the summer, only she called more often, worried I'd gone off the deep end or something. You see no one has really met the new me, except my father, but he still sees the same girl, just a darker, different version, some snarkiness thrown in there, but still the same. So I guess when Ashley finally did see me, only to go all bad ass on Madison like I did, I can understand how she'd be kind of freaked. I guess I am still the same, but not fully. I'd do anything for Ashley, but I don't know if I can go back to the person I once was.

"Hi Spence, how are you?"

"Perfect, you?"

"Been better, thanks for um, the Madison thing. Are you, you know, alright?"

"I'm good. And don't worry about it, that bitch deserved that, you know it, I know it, the whole school knows it."

"Yeah…how's your hand?"

"Just a bruise, I barely even felt it, I'll live."

She cringes at that last statement. She clearly wasn't ready for me to come back like this, so sardonic, changed. I can see she's struggling with whether or not to say something. I know she wants to talk to me, about a lot of stuff, and I really need to talk to her too I guess. So I decide to suck it up and just put myself out there.

"Look, I'm sorry I never answered my phone. I just wasn't ready to talk to you. I know you still love me and you never meant to hurt me. And I still love you too; I don't think anything could change that. So why don't I just meet you at your place after school and we can talk, okay?"

Her face brightens, I'm happy, I haven't been happy in a long time. I don't show it though; I'm more about the steely resolve these days.

"Sure, that'll be great, I'll see you there."

Despite her apparent giddiness, she's still Ashley. She's lived through a lot of shit, but she's remained strong. I think losing me, or the potential of, actually made some part of her crack, weakened her a bit. It hurts somewhat, but I'm also glad that I have that much hold in her life to have that ability to affect her so much. But ever the rebel and tough girl she is, Ashley still seems the same for the most part. You have to look close enough to know that the events of the prom and the after effects have even had an impact on her. I'm glad for that, because she's Ashley Davies, and that's all there is to it.

As she walks away, I see someone else making their way towards me; it takes me a moment to recognize who it is. Glen. I find it odd that I thought I might never actually see him again for some reason, and further weird that I didn't really care.

"Hey Spencer, how've you been?"

"Fine, what do you want Glen?"

"I just haven't seen you in a while, and I wanted to see if you were okay. I missed you; I am still your brother you know."

"Well, I'm good, so…I've got to go, say 'hi' to Clay for me."

"Sure, bye Spencer."

And I walk off. I don't really know what to say to him. It's all awkwardness now. Like I know he still cares about me, but it's like he's afraid I'm going to break or something, it's unnerving. Then, when I found out he was moving in with my mom after the divorce, I just couldn't understand it. After all that woman put our family through, how could he just turn his back on my dad, on me? I guess I will never understand it fully, but it was his choice to make, so I won't question it anymore. My dad tells me he stops by a few times a week, so at least he's not being a total ass, but still.

Shit, now I'm running late. I swear I live in my head way too much these days. But I guess that's the price I pay for spending the summer in a place where there was barely anything to do and I was in full on brood mode anyway. I love my grandmother and all, but when she called me some broody-girl hiding away from life I wanted to scream at her for being so right and so wrong at that same time. But I realized I am that way, I think and don't verbalize a lot more now. Well, onward with the school day, this should be fun.

After an oh so grueling day of not paying attention in any of my classes I headed for my car, silently cursing myself for telling Ashley I'd meet up with her. How the hell do I even explain what I have to say, do I even know what I have to say? Ugh, life officially sucks, but I know that already, I've got the scar to prove it. See, I have a feeling I'll be doing that a lot, whatever I may be talking about I'll inevitably be able to find some way to bring it around to the fact that yes, I was shot. Whop de do, get over it already. I've got the conversation of awkward hell to look forward to. Maybe my car will die and I won't be able to make it. With my luck I doubt it though, this car isn't that big of a piece of shit, but here's to hoping.

I made it, under twenty minutes later, and I'm standing in front of Ashley's door, knocking. She opens, flashes a bright smile before reining it back in for a more reserved and cool one, then motions for me to come in.

"So, uh, how've you been, your summer and all?"

"Oh, it was fine. Me and Kyla pretty much just hung around here. We didn't really do much."

"Yeah, me too."

An awkward silence filled the air and Ashley motioned for me to follow her upstairs. I sat on her couch and took in her room, it looked exactly the same. Then she finally sat down next to me, but with enough room between us to make it painfully aware how uncomfortable we both felt. In all of my nervousness I pushed up the sleeves on my shirt and stretched my arms out. I had completely forgotten why I wore long sleeves in the first place. Fuck me, here it comes.

"Spencer! What happened to your arm!?"

Shit.

"Oh, um, coping mechanism is guess. Don't worry, it's not that bad, and I'm pretty much over it."

"You, you cut yourself?"

I could see tears forming in her eyes; I didn't really know what to do, so I just hung my head and answered honestly.

"Yeah. Don't cry Ash, it's not your fault."

"It doesn't matter, you did that to yourself because you were hurting, and I caused at least a part of that."

"Maybe, but there are a lot of factors for why I have been hurting, and still am hurting. You're a small part of that, yes, but in no way are you to blame. You know who I blame? I blame those idiots who shot up the school, I blame Aiden for being an ass, I blame my mother for being the hypocrite she is and not loving me…"

Yes, my mother refuses to accept me. After she figured out that Ashley wasn't going to be stopping by while I was in the hospital, she assumed we broke up; she had the nerve to tell me I would be 'better' without her around.

"_What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_Spencer, I just mean that without…her around anymore, you can go back to being normal. You got this phase out of your system now, thank the lord. Now you will be able to set right all of your sins and be welcomed back into the good graces of God."_

"_Mother, whether or not I am with Ashley, I'm still gay, nothing will change that. Just because she isn't here, doesn't mean that I'm going back to being the sad repressed little girl I was in Ohio. That wasn't me, I've finally accepted myself for who I am, why can't you?"_

"_I'm sorry Spencer, I just cannot condone this. I will not have you being that way, I can't stand by and watch you sin like this."_

Piece of work, I know. That was one of the last times I saw her, she checked up on me a few times before I left the hospital, but that was it. I think when it finally got through her thick head that Ashley didn't make me gay and I was going to stay that way, she admitted defeat. But she still wouldn't accept me for me, so after she left my dad, she effectively shut me out of her life. I can't say I don't miss her, because I do, but I think things might actually be better this way. I hate her so much, but she is still my mother, I just wish she were different.

"…I blame her for so much, just because of how much she is hurting me with her behavior. And I blame me, for being so naïve and blind to what was going on around me. I blame myself for a lot of things, and I blame the world. But at a certain point I can't blame anyone else, so it just is. It is what it is Ashley, and what I did to my arm here, had nothing to do with you."

"I wish I could believe that."

"Believe what you want, I just told you the truth. Look, part of the reason I started cutting was the pain. Not only in my shoulder, but the pain in my heart. I knew, know, that you love me. And I love you, so much. But sometimes I'm not sure if that's enough. I'm a different person now, and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. So yeah, sometimes when I was feeling too much pain, or not enough, none at all, I would cut myself, in hopes of grounding me, reminding me that I am alive, that I didn't die that day. I don't know half of the reasons I did it, but I haven't done it in over a month, I just haven't needed to, so I think I'm okay in that department."

"Everything's going to be okay, you'll see. And it doesn't matter how much you think you've changed, because you're still you, and I still love you, no matter what. I'm not going anywhere Spencer, know that."

"Okay. Well, as much as I enjoyed this conversation, I have to get going. Dad and I are redecorating the house, and I have some unpacking to do. I'll see you at school, and we'll talk again soon, I promise."

"Bye Spence."

"Later Ash."

Yeah, I bailed. So what? I found myself in the tail end of a hellishly uncomfortable conversation and I panicked. Sue me.


	3. Hold On For Your Dearest Life

_AN: Thank you so, so much to all of you who left me reviews, way to boost a girl's ego. I hope that the chapters to come can live up to your expectations, and as always I appreciate your feedback, enjoy._

**-Hold On For Your Dearest Life-**

A few days later and we were back at school. The weekend was kind of lame, we did kind of redecorate the house, but more in the sense of we tossed a whole bunch of shit that screamed 'mom.' If it was distinctly her or something she picked out and we knew that it reminded us of her too much, we got rid of it. Dad thought it would be freeing, I guess it was somewhat liberating, but the act really only reminded me of how much my life really has changed, or at least the fact that I don't have a mother anymore.

I arrived late to school, strolled into my first period class, and just took a seat without a word. I glanced at the teacher and I knew he was going to say something but I just turned to look out the window and tuned everything else out. I have no idea if he addressed me or not, but seeing as how he didn't say anything to me when I left, I guess we're good for the time being. The only bad part about that class, I realized, just today actually, that Ashley is in that same class too. So she obviously noticed my behavior, that's when she came up to me with a weird look on her face and I understood that she was in that class room too. Figures it would take me like four days just to realize that fact. Of course if I wasn't late I might not have even noticed.

"Hey, Spence, are you okay, I mean you like spaced completely during class, and I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm fine. People change Ash, I already told you, I'm not the same person."

"Bullshit. You might think that but I still know that same girl who spilled my coffee that first day we met is still in there somewhere. The same girl who ran away with me after her parents freaked out, the same girl you were before you got shot. It's still in there Spencer, you may not want to believe that, but it's true. And people don't change; they just don't stay the same."

What? People don't change; they just don't stay the same. Again with the 'what?'

"What?"

"Yes, part of you has changed, but you're still you, and nothing will change that. Look, I didn't stop you to get into an argument with you; I have something to ask you."

"Um, okay, shoot."

Nice choice of words genius. Why don't you make the hand motion to go along with that? But, true to form, Ashley just brushes it off and continues on with whatever it is she is about to say.

"Spencer Carlin, would you like to go out on a date with me?"

"You're being serious?"

"Yes damn it, now what's your answer Spence, I haven't got all day."

"Wow. Okay, sure, I guess. Um, is it just me or is this kind of weird?"

"Yes, weirdness is in full force, but I figured this was the way to go since you're all 'I've changed' or whatever and what better way to get to know a person or the new person they've become than a date. And since you've already said yes, I'll pick you up tonight at seven, dress casual. Later Spence."

"Uh, yeah."

Well that was weird. Great, now all I'm going to be thinking about all day is this 'date' tonight. Why am I suddenly feeling giddy? This is all kinds of crazy. What am I going to wear?

"Did you enjoy dinner?"

"Yes actually. This evening hasn't been as awkward as I thought it would be."

I really, really thought it would be something major, but with Ashley, she just makes it all seem so effortless and I feel at ease despite the fact that I'm still nervous. We had a nice quiet dinner at this little Italian place, and we just talked. Mostly about random stuff, some about the summer, we tried not to talk about prom. I can tell she feels guilty, but I reassured her nothing was her fault and she shouldn't feel that way. And oh my God I see it happening, I'm softening. When the hell did that happen?

"So, the night is still young, it's warm, beautiful out, how about a walk on the beach?"

"I don't know Ash, I haven't been to the beach in a long time, and even though it's dark out, I don't think I would feel comfortable, not yet anyway."

"That's okay; we can go back to my place. Unless you want me to take you home, completely your choice."

"Your place is fine."

I don't know why I said that. Yes, I love her, yes, I want to be with her, but am I ready? I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm comfortable to put myself out there, to just be with her, or _be_ _with_ her. Calm down Spence, you'll be fine; don't read too much into it. Yeah right, who am I kidding; I am too damn nervous about every little thing. Just breathe damn it.

"So do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Uh, sure, whatever."

"Spence, relax, if you're this nervous or really don't want to be here, I can take you home, its okay, really."

"No, no, it's not that. Well I mean it is, but I don't want to go home, I want to be here, I'm just, I don't know scared or something. Which is like this really weird feeling for some reason."

"I understand. Here, come over here, lay on the bed with me, and will just talk, or be silent, whatever feels comfortable."

I trusted her, at least that much. Ashley always did have a way of making me feel better. So we just laid there, side by side, elbows barely touching. For a long time we didn't talk, but it wasn't awkward. It was just silence, and peaceful, content. I didn't really know what to say, so I just continued to stare at the ceiling, lost in my thoughts, listening to her breathing. And then she spoke.

"Can I see?"

"What?"

"Your scars, can I see them. It's okay to say no, I won't push."

"Which ones?"

"All of them. The ones on your arm, the one on your shoulder."

"Why?"

"Most of my damage isn't outwardly visible. Yeah, I've thought about hurting myself, showing the pain I feel on the inside on the outside, but I never did. And now whether we like it or not, you're damaged too. And it's more than just internal, you have permanent reminders. And I don't know, I just want to understand or know something. I guess I figure if I see them, maybe I can help make it better. I think my logic is failing me, that made all kinds of sense that didn't."

"No, it's okay, I think I understand. Turn on a light."

Ashley sat up and turned on the main light for the bedroom. Not that it was overly dark in the room already, but she went with the big light to be sure she had a good view. As she did this, I sat up in the bed, preparing myself for what was to come. I had a long sleeve shirt on again, and even though I had a tank top on underneath, I still felt a little self conscious. But what the hell, she's seen me naked plenty of times before, why should I be scared now right? Well let me see, I haven't _been_ with her in about four months, I haven't really spoken to her in nearly three, and I now have all these lovely scars brandishing my body to show off. God, life sucks.

"Just, um…"

"Spence, show me, they're not going to make me love you any less. It's okay baby, it's okay."

I miss that, her calling me baby. And oh crap, my tough resolve really is slowly fading. I hate that. But I love her. Whatever, more important things at the moment…I slowly took of my long sleeved shirt, not looking her in the eyes, as I set it aside. Then, in all of my glory for her to see with no barriers, I showed her my arm, more closely. She cradled it in her hand, slowly inspecting, running her fingers over the many lines I had put there. I saw tears well up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

I'm not sure why I'm apologizing, but I am, and I need to.

"No, it's not you're fault. And I know it's not mine, but it still hurts, that you're hurting, and I couldn't make it better."

After she was finished with my arm, I slowly brought it back to my side. Then I turned more towards her, and pushed the strap of my tank off my shoulder so she could see the massive scar there. And she gasped, and the tears began to flow as she tentatively reached out to trace the mark.

"You can tell where the bullet went in. Those other lines, the other scars, are from where they had to cut me open to repair the damage, and extract the bullet. Some of them should fade, but most I think will be a constant reminder."

I can't look at her anymore. It pains me to see the ache in her face, in her heart. I suppose she will always, in some way, feel responsible, but I know she knows otherwise. Hell, I even feel responsible, sometimes I feel I deserved it, but I know, on some level, that I didn't. She slowly puts the strap of my top back in place and reaches out to bring my eyes to look into hers.

"You're still beautiful Spence. All the scars and marks in the world couldn't make you ugly, couldn't make me not love you."

And now I'm crying, great. Just great. I'm breaking down, and she's taking me in her arms and I feel all of my resolve crumbling. It's all coming apart on me, I don't know how to keep it together, so I just fall, and she's there, holding me up.

By the time I finally pull myself together, we are in another silence filled existence, this one slightly awkward though. I move to put my long sleeved top back on, but she stops me.

"You don't have to. You don't ever have to hide from me. Just lay with me here, let me hold you, and everything will be okay."

So again, I trust her, and she is right. She doesn't make me feel guilty about my damaged body, or my damaged mind. She just cradles my whole body, holds on to me, as we slip back into a content silence. I realize in this moment that for the first time in months, I feel whole again.


	4. Confessions Of A Broken Heart

**-Confessions Of A Broken Heart-**

The next day at school, Ash and I arrive together. My piece of shit car decided to die this morning, so I called her, and she picked me up, just like we used to do. It was nice, still a little weird, but we're getting back to as close as what we used to be as we can get. We'll never have before, but we have the future. So anyway, we walk into school together, only to be ambushed by Madison. God I hate this bitch.

"Aw look, did you two make up? Figures you freaks would be right for each other. I mean one's mentally deranged, and one came this close to being a cripple as I hear. So what was it Spencer, did Ashley here beg for you back, or did you just guilt her into it? Come on, inquiring minds want to know, oh, wait, they don't. No one cares about you crazy dykes."

"Fuck off Madison before I knock you out again."

"Ohhh, I'm scared. She fighting your battles for you now Ashley?"

"I'd listen to her Madison. As pissed as I get at you, I can hold back, but I might just let go and beat your ass one of these days. But Spence here, she has a bit of an anger problem, and I for one won't hold her back if she attacks you."

"Whatever queer eye. Let's go girls; we have actual stuff to do."

God I hate her.

"God I hate her."

"Me too, really though, you want to knock her ass out again, feel free."

"Tempting, very tempting. So what exactly is our first period class? Fill me in, you have to at least know the name of it right?"

And so we continued walking along up to our lockers. Just another average day at good ol' King High. Surprisingly enough, Ashley paid attention for about half of the time of the past week or so of class, so she could actually tell me the gist of what was going on. Though it didn't really matter, I zoned out again.

"Spence! Spencer!!!"

"Huh, what? Ashley why are you yelling at me?"

"You really have got to get over that whole spacing thing. Anyway, come on, you're chariot awaits."

"What?"

"You're ride Spence, remember, your car is at home, I'm giving you a ride…ring any bells?"

"Um, sure, sure. Let's go, I'm ready."

We got into her car, I swear I have no idea what's going on these days. Maybe she's right, am I zoning out that much? Well whatever, I'll get over it eventually. Wait, where are we going, what is Ashley up to?

"Ash…where are we going?"

"It's a surprise Spence, just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"This better not piss me off, I'm not in the mood today Ashley, really."

"Relax sarcasto-girl, loosen up a bit, you know I'd never hurt you if I could help it, right?"

"Maybe…but seriously Ash, my mood is just about shot, so keep that in mind, I don't want to blow up at you, you won't deserve it."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Why the hell is she so stubborn? Oh come on, I know I love it, but still she drives me crazy. But I really don't need any surprises right now, I am so in full on sulk mode right now that I just want to go home and dwell. But knowing Ashley, she must have some clue as to how I'm feeling and is fully intending on preventing that. Great, I was looking forward to my brooding.

"The beach, damn it Ashley, why would you bring me here?"

"I'm not exactly sure what it is about the beach that has you so adamant about not being here, but whatever it is, you need to face it. You're never going to get past all this, be okay, if you keep avoiding things. I don't know if it's the scars or what, but you are coming down to the beach with me, if I have to drag you, you're coming."

I just glared at her. I am so fucking angry but I'm trying so hard not to take it out on her, so I'm just staying quiet. She yanks at my arm and we walk down to our spot under the pier. I still haven't said anything, and am so pissed; I think she's getting that. Whenever I was truly angry, like really bad, I would always go dead silent, I think it scares her more than me yelling; hell it scares me more than when I get loud and angry. This quiet rage thing eats at me, I hate it. So now here I am, sitting in the sand hugging my legs to my chest, staring at the ocean, and she's just looking at me warily, not sure what to do. I release some of the ire and finally speak up, if only for the sake of both of ours sanity.

"I'm not going to break you know. I hate to hell that you brought me here, but I'm trying hard not to take it out on you, and with you looking at me like I'm going to break it only makes me uneasy and I just don't know what the fuck to say anymore."

"If there is one thing I know, its pain. You've got a lot of that eating up at you, and there's anger and depression, confusion and pain. Whatever it is about the beach, or anything else, you need to confront it, so you can heal. You may not feel like you're ready, but it's time. You can yell at me all you want, but I'm not going to let you go through this alone. You have to face life Spence, you can't run away from it, trust me, I know."

All I can do is sigh, I know she's right. When the hell did she get so smart? But still it doesn't matter, she is right, I do have to quit running, I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

"I'm tired Ash, I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do."

"If you fall, I'll catch you. I'll be right by your side, whatever you need, I'm not going anywhere. I can't lose you, I almost did once, and again when you left. I won't let you drown in yourself. I've realized a lot of things since you were gone, and I think I've grown as a person or something. I am going to be here for you Spence, I'm right here."

I can't lose her either. In some weird way I think that's part of why I ran to Ohio over the summer. Like I thought I had lost her, and then it hurt so much. I figured maybe if I just distanced myself enough, then it wouldn't hurt so bad when I finally did lose her, or something. I did what she had tried to do so many times; I pushed her away in order to protect myself. She won't let me do that anymore. And I know I have to fight, if not for myself, then for her. I just hope I can do this. Fuck, why the hell is life so messed up?

"Take me home, Ash. Take me home, and hold me while I sleep. Please, can we just go and shut out the world for a little while?"

"Of course Spencer, I'll take care of you. I'll protect you."

I hope she can.

I wake up to a searing pain in my shoulder. Forgetting where I am, I let out a strangled half scream half cry. Sometimes after I dream about the shooting, or if the temperature is too cold in the room, if I have a nightmare, if my day just has to start out shitty, for a variety of reasons, sometimes I will wake up to a horrible pain in my shoulder. As far as I know, there is no good reason for it to be so intense after I sleep. Apparently it has something to do with nerve damage or something with the muscle or both, I don't know. Either way, it hurts like a bitch. And then I remember that Ashley stayed here last night, and as I hear feet bounding up the steps, I know she heard me. I can't decide if I want to see her at this moment or not. I think I'm leaning in the direction of being glad she's here, so that must be a good sign, right?

"Oh my God, Spencer, what's wrong? Are you okay? I heard you scream, or well I heard you try and hold it back. But are you okay?"

"Ashley…"

I can't say much more, the pain can be so intense sometimes. She just comes rushing over to me, and I just hold on to her for dear life, waiting for it to fade. Eventually it always goes away, just to what degree and when are the unknowns. Damn this is killing me.

I try and push the tears back, but at this moment I am so overcome by a myriad of emotions that all I can do is let them fall. Slow and deliberate, they make their way down my face, falling onto Ashley's shirt. She only holds me tighter, unaware of what is truly going on. Finally the pain starts to dull and I can speak, the tears have stopped and I finally have some peace, here in the arms of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

"Ashley…"

"I'm here Spence, whatever it is, I'm here."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry I made you worry."

"It's okay, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good now. Sometimes when I wake up, the pain in my shoulder comes back with a vengeance. But it's not so bad anymore. I'm actually glad you're here, you always did have a way of making me feel better."

"I wish I could take it all back Spence. I wish I could make all of the pain go away, make any doubt you had in me disappear, make everything better. I wish I could, but I can't. And it hurts so much, and you're still in pain, and I can't do anything to help you."

"Ash, you're doing it, just by being here. Look, I didn't know how to talk to you for the longest time; I didn't know what to say. I knew I still loved you, nothing can change that for us, but still, there were no words. And I know that hurt you. And then when I came back, it was still hard. But you have to know, just having you here with me, us getting back to what we had, you holding me like this. It means the world to me. You have no idea how much just this simple act makes me feel, you comforting me helps me so much. Don't ever doubt that there is nothing you can do. You do so much by just being here."

Heartfelt confessions, it's official, I'm getting soft. I tried so hard to put up that strong front, and now parts of it are crumbling. Well, I guess its okay, Ashley can break through the walls, but I know no one else will. I know now I can let my guard down around her, at least I can still be a bitch to the world; I enjoy that far too much to give up.


	5. Bend And Not Break

_AN: As always, reviews appreciated. Despite my pessimism, those that have actually responded seem to like this story, so here's another chapter for all of you. Enjoy, all opinoins welcomed, and have a pleasent day. _

**-Bend And Not Break-**

We fell back asleep after I woke up, we talked for a bit but we were both so drained that we just decided to sleep some more. This time when I wake up, I'm not in any pain. But I do feel something on my shoulder, its Ashley, she's massaging my shoulder. Not a bad way to wake up.

"Ash, what are you doing?"

"I woke up a little while ago, and did some research on the internet. The stuff I found said that periodic massages are good for the muscle and nerves in places of trauma, especially if they have been severely damaged like say by a bullet. So anyway, I read up and when I noticed you starting to wake up I got to massaging. Does it hurt?"

"No, it feels great, thank you."

"No problem Spence. See, not so useless."

"You could never be useless. Hey, what time is it anyway? I take it we're skipping today?"

"Oh yeah. It's like nine something I think. When you first woke up I was in the kitchen with your dad and before I heard you he was telling me that if we wanted to stay here today he was okay with it. He probably called you in after I came up here. So anyway, yeah, I love your dad. What do you want to do on this lovely Tuesday devoid of school?"

"First, I agree, my dad is awesome. As far as what I want to do, I want to stay in bed a little longer, than we can do whatever as long as it's not too strenuous."

Even though it's been months, I'm still a little weak form that whole getting shot and hospitalization mess. The doctor said I may never get my full strength back, I forget why, but I think it had something to do with the surgery and massive blood loss. Anyway, I get tired a little easier than I used to, so it sucks, but yeah.

"Sounds good, so you want me to let you get some more rest, I can go back downstairs or something."

"Ash, shut up. Just lay down with me, I want you here."

"I'm glad we're…whatever we are, Spence, I missed you, and you know, you're the most important thing in my life."

"Me too, I still might need time with stuff, take it slow, but unless you have any objections I think it would safe to assume we're officially back together."

"No objections here, girlfriend."

I just grinned like an idiot and pulled her closer to me. I forgot how much I missed this, just lying here with her, in content silence. Usually she was the one who would hold me, but right now, I'm holding her as she cuddles into me, and I really like it. I think this time we might be stronger because of everything that has happened. I'm not saying it was good that it went down, because a lot of that sucked major ass and was physically and emotionally painful, but overall, I think we understand each other better, and have realized how much we really mean to one another.

This moment just proves that, me being the strong one at the moment, comforting her just as much as she is comforting me. It's nice, and for the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

We spent the day pretty much lying around and watching movies. We binged out on some junk food and take out, then by the time my dad got home, we were both too full and lethargic to do anything else, so we just stayed put in front of the TV. When he came in to say hi to me a small smile spread across his face and for a moment I was puzzled until I realized the way Ashley and I were positioned. She was leaning against the couch, on the floor, and I was resting against her, my body leaning back into hers. She was just cradling me, holding on to me and I was so content to just be there, like that forever. I just tentatively smiled back at him and he gave me a reassuring nod and went in search of some leftovers from the day.

He really is a great dad; he almost makes up for what a hateful bitch my mom has become. Sure she was bad before, but now she has taken it to a whole new level. It still gets to me every now and then. The more I think about her, what I've lost, the sadder I become. I grab Ashley's hands and pull them around me tighter and snuggle more into her, wanting her to protect me and chase away all of the bad and pain in my life even though I can't voice that to her. She just pulls me into her more securely, and even though I know she doesn't exactly understand why I need this, she gives it to me anyway, because that's just who she is. I can sense that she wants to ask, so I try and beat her to it.

"Later, if I can, I'll try and talk about it. But can we just be like this now?"

"Of course, I'm right here Spence, I'm right here."

And I know she is, and it feels like she always will be. That thought scares me and comforts me all at once.

"Would you stay here again? I mean you don't have to, I was just wondering you know since it's getting late…"

"You don't have to explain Spence. Hey, at least I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore."

She saw my face fall momentarily and then tried to cheer me back up. I think she understands what my whole deal was earlier.

"So do I get to wear some of your Disney sleepwear again, or can I have something a little more Ashley-esque? I mean I have nothing against the kiddie attire, but really Spence, how old are you?"

"Please, you know I got rid of those a long time ago. And what was that, once you saw me in that night shirt? Anyway, just grab a tank and some shorts. Come on Ash, I'm tired. You know you'd look hot in anything why are you even complaining?"

"I'm not; I just like to get you to blush. Plus you don't look too bad yourself, especially in one of those little tanks and short shorts."

"Just go get changed, I'll be up in a minute."

"Don't take too long Spence."

"Yeah, yeah, just go."

She left to go up to my room; I stayed back and headed into the kitchen. I grabbed the bottle of pain killers and an ice pack out of the freezer. Before long I forgot what I had been doing and am knocked out of my thoughts by Ashley's voice calling out to me and her feet padding into the kitchen. This is how she finds me: Slumped over the counter, pills next to me, the upper half of my body resting against the top surface, ice pack under my shoulder squished between me and the counter, tears streaming down my face, me silent. I know what you're thinking, but I'm not trying to kill myself or anything, I only took one of the pills, the container is just next to me, I'm not that crazy – yet anyway. She swiftly comes over to me and brushed the hair that fell in my face out of the way.

"Spencer, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. My shoulder just hurts is all. It should be okay soon, I took a pain killer and the ice will help. I'll be fine in a minute."

"Not that I don't believe you, but bullshit. There is a whole lot more going on here than you're admitting to. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, to me, but I told you, you can't keep all this crap bottled up, I can see it's tearing you up inside."

"I want to be able to tell you, I just don't know how. Remember how hard it was for you to open up to me when we first met? I guess it's kind of like that. Just help me upstairs Ash, I hurt so much, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, I just want you next to me."

"Okay, I'll help you Spence, you know I always will. Come on, let's go get some sleep."

Once she got me upstairs I changed and then laid down on my bed next to her, after an awkward moment, I turned over to face her and wrapped my body against her side. She brought her arm around to cradle my back and I just buried my head into her shoulder. I hate feeling this vulnerable, after all that has happened I had never wanted to feel like this again. It makes everything so much harder, being weak. I fucking hate it.

"It's your mom isn't it?"

"What?"

"Part of the reason you're upset, it has something to do with your mom."

"Yeah. I still miss her sometimes. She won't even talk to me anymore. It's like I don't exist."

"Spence, I'm not going to say I know how you feel, sure some of it I do, but the relationship you had with Paula, it was more than I ever had with my mother. So I guess I can understand how it would hurt so much more to lose that. I don't know everything that went down, only what you're dad told me while you were gone. I can only imagine how much what she's doing must hurt, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. But I can't help but think that in some ways maybe you're better off this way."

"I think that too, but it doesn't exactly make me feel any better. At least I still have my dad…and you."

"Always, you're dad could never treat you like that, and neither could I."

I held her a little tighter before I drifted off. Just before I succumbed to sleep I vowed to try and talk to her some more tomorrow. I guess sometimes you got to delve into that pain, work through it, in order to get passed it. It fucking sucks but hopefully it will be worth it.

"Not that I really care, but if you don't hurry up we're going to be late, and I know you hate detention, so move it Ash!"

"I'm almost finished Spence, give me a sec. Okay, okay, let's go."

"God I hate school."

"Why? I mean, I get why, because I do to, but you have always liked school, so what makes it so unbearable now?"

I glared at her, damn her intuitiveness. Damn her knowing me so well and damn me for loving her. I sigh and remember that I'm really trying to make an effort here and decide to actually verbalize this.

"Sorry. Okay, I hate school now, one because of what happened here. Two because I don't care about it anymore, so therefore it is just an inconvenience, and three because of all of the hateful people here. Don't get me wrong, I still like some aspects of it, but it just doesn't hold the same appeal or whatever it used to. Some things have changed Ashley, and this is one of them. I don't think I'll ever go back to my old view in this department."

"It's okay, I understand. And thank you for sharing that with me, I appreciate it. But don't worry, I'm here, I got your back, and I know for a fact that you can take care of yourself, so we'll both be fine. No worries Spence, don't stress your self out."

Easier said than done. She is right though, but still. Fuck, I feel at war with myself. Wanting to push her away, push everyone away, but then, I just want to let her in, let her comfort me, but I can't fully. This is torture, pure annoying confusion.

The morning has passed, I'm supposed to meet Ashley for lunch, but instead I'm holed up in the bathroom, contemplating what happened almost an hour ago. Madison, that bitch, how in the hell did I let what she said affect me so much? It wasn't like I haven't heard it all before. Maybe I let my guard down, I don't know, she just got to me, so here I sit, thinking, holding a blade in my hand hovering over my arm.

"_Oh look, its little Spencey, you miss you're mommy, dyke? Or maybe you miss fully functioning limbs, I here that can be bitch with the way you freaks do it. Poor little gay girl, no family, no mommy, no nothing anymore. You're just trash now, and you've got the marks to prove it. You're lucky no one else died, it was your fault most of you're friends were standing there when it happened, it would have been your fault if anyone got hurt. You're just a walking disaster. Come on chicas, we better get out of here before one of us gets shot or something."_

_I couldn't move, she had me cornered and I was seething at everything she was saying. I couldn't unlock my jaw to speak; I just stood, glaring until she finally left. My shoulders slumped in defeat, I continued heading on to my class, thankful that I only had one more before lunch._

That leads me to now; I just want to kick her in the gut so hard for everything she has put me through. Was what she said true? Partly, but it's Madison, you can never take her too seriously. But still, it hit a nerve, and I don't know what to do. So I just hold the blade, not knowing if I'll use it, if I need it.

I hear the door open and tentative footsteps walking in. Each stall door is opened before mine, and then Ashley is in front of me, a questioning look on her face. I have a newly acquired nervous habit of rubbing my shoulder where my scar is when I'm distressed about something. The look on my face tells her I'm not in pain, but she is concerned none the less. I still haven't found my voice. Next she sees my other hand, with the razor blade and quickly pales slightly before slowly taking it away from me and throwing it away. Making sure there is no external damage she looks me in the eye and opens her mouth.

"Spence, what are you doing in here? What happened?"

I still can't find the words; I just stare at the floor in defeat, willing to be able to do anything. Ashley comes closer and just pulls me into her. I wrap my arms tightly around her, letting myself for the first time completely let go and let her be my anchor. I cry, I don't make any sound, but I let all of my frustrations, anger, pain, sorrow, all of it out as I cry into her clinging desperately to her torso. And she just holds me, that's all she has to do.

"Spence, tell me what happened."

She waited until I finally stopped crying to speak. She still holds me tightly until I unwrap myself from her and compose myself. I look up at her, looking at the patience and concern written all over her face. Taking another deep breath and wiping the last of my stray tears away, I finally find my voice.

"Madison."

"Ugh, what did she do?"

"Nothing I shouldn't have expected. I don't know why I let it get to me; she just has that special gift you know? It's probably like a side effect or something from having so many venereal diseases. She now has the ability to make you feel guilty about something or make you feel like complete shit when I know I shouldn't. I hate her, but I know what she said can't be true. I can't be."

"Whatever it was, I assure you, she couldn't get her head that far out of her ass to actually have something she says be completely true and right. Whatever she said, she is wrong and is a hateful bitch who'd say anything to make herself feel a tiny bit better about her small ego and slutty self."

"You want to just skip the rest of the day?"

"Hmm, very tempting. And let me just say, those are some of the hottest words to ever come out of your mouth. Now, to skip or not to skip…"

"Stop it already; we both know you're coming."

"You're right, why fight it? To the parking lot!"


	6. Call In Sick

**-Call In Sick-**

I didn't want to go anywhere, so we just went back to her house. We had watched TV for a while and then I went to rest on the bed, feeling tired despite it only being early afternoon. Ashley came and lay down next to me. I turned to look at her and she was looking at me, I just wrapped my self around her and snuggled into her trying to get comfy. Once I was settled I began to speak.

"I don't want to lose you."

"Spence, you're not going to lose me, I promise."

"You can't make that kind of promise Ash, things change, people leave, no matter how much they have claimed to love you, they still leave."

"I'm not your mom or anyone else in your life that has hurt you. When I say I will never leave you, I mean it. I may not have that kind of actual control over things, but I promise you, I will do everything in my power to never leave you, because I love you, and I can't live without you. So you are not going to lose me Spence, not ever."

"What Madison said, I think she was right. If anyone had gotten seriously hurt…"

"NO. Do not listen to that skank. Nothing about that night was you're fault Spence, nothing. You were the only one of us that was hurt bad, and I could have lost you. Just because we were there, just because we were arguing, doesn't make any of it your fault. Things happen, they just happen. You have quit beating yourself up about things you have no control over. I won't let you do that to yourself, so don't ever think that again, okay?"

"Okay."

Insecurity, I hate it. It's been like four months, but I guess traumatic stuff stays with you for a while. But at least I'm getting better I think. Things seem to be back to some semblance of order at least, despite all the new situations and changes, but it's still somewhat the same. Even Aiden is back to his old self. Yeah, I said Aiden, I saw him the other day, he came over and apologized for everything, all that he said. Apparently he was just hurting really bad and feels awful for all the shit he caused. I can't say I fully forgive him or will ever be able to look at him the same again, but at least it's something. I guess I understand it, but it's still harsh and he's a major sore subject in my book, so I'm not going there right now.

"You still think about it a lot, huh?"

"What?"

"That's why you carry blades, because you still think about cutting."

"Yeah…"

"I used to do that, when I thought about doing something like that, but I guess I just never got to that point. I didn't want to show it or something, but I carried a box cutter in my bag for two years, everyday."

"That was my last one, so I guess I can stop carrying them with me now. I think about it a lot, but today, it just wasn't one of my good days. But I didn't let it get that far, so I think that's good."

"It'll get better."

Ash and I just rested the rest of the day, until dinner time, just holding each other and enjoying each other's closeness and comfort. We used to do things like this, I missed it, I definitely like having it back.

"I told my dad I'd have dinner with him tonight, he doesn't work this evening. Want to come?"

"Sure, as long as I'm not imposing?"

"No, of course not. He's told me about how you came over during the summer, and called and stuff. He really liked that, he likes you Ashley, he thinks of you as his other daughter. He'd be glad to see you."

"Okay then, I'm in. Despite the circumstances of us spending time and talking, I really think we bonded or something, he's been a great friend to me. I really like your dad Spence; he's helped me a lot."

"I know. He's yours whenever you need him, he's glad to be there for the both of us. Come on, we're going to be late if we don't leave soon."

"Are you girls ready for the best pasta primavera you have ever had?"

"Dad, just feed us already. We both know you're an awesome cook, and we bow down to your kitchen prowess, but we're hungry."

"Alright, alright, let me revel a bit Spencer, it's not often I get to cook for you anymore, and we have a guest."

"Please, Ashley's not a guest, she's family."

"True. You are Ashley, you're welcome anytime."

"Thanks Mr. C. Now how about that food?"

"Coming right up."

We ate taking about school, what we each had been up to, nothing in particular. Mostly we were just happy to be in each others company. About half way through dinner though my dad's pager went off, some kind of social services emergency I guess. He had to leave; I told him it was okay. He kissed both Ashley and I goodbye and then left us to finish dinner. I wasn't that hungry anymore anyway.

After cleaning up and putting the left over food away I was pretty wiped. I didn't know why, it's not like I actually did anything today.

"Hey, are you feeling alright? You look tired and a little pale."

"I don't know, I'm exhausted but there's no reason I should be. Maybe I just need to lie down."

"We did that all day Spence. Something's wrong, you really don't look too well."

"Just help me up to bed would you?"

"Yeah, okay, but I'm staying with you until your dad gets home."

She got no argument from me; I was too tired to protest. Plus I like having her around; she's very soothing when she's worried. As soon as I changed and lay down I was out. I can't really tell you what happened next because I was unconscious, duh!

When I woke up I knew immediately where I was. I had come to loathe hospitals and I was not in the least happy to be back in one.

"What the hell…?"

"Spence! You're awake!"

"No, I'm just talking in my sleep while staring directly at you. What am I doing here? Get me out of here."

"Hey calm down. Last night after you I helped you up to bed, you passed out right as your head hit the pillow. I was worried, and then your dad came home and I told him I thought you might be sick. He took your temperature, you were burning up Spence. We couldn't wake you up, so we brought you here. And guess what, I was right! You are sick."

"Well you don't have to act all high and mighty about it Ashley. So what's wrong with me anyway, where's my dad, when can I leave?"

"Calm down, I get why you hate hospitals so much, but you need to just chill. You have some kind of stomach virus or something, it was pretty bad. You've been sleeping for like eighteen hours. Your dad had to go back to work, and I can take you home as soon as the doctor checks on you and gives the rundown of whatever you have to do."

"Who's my doctor?"

"Okay…don't freak out, but would you believe your luck that your mom is your doctor?"

"No fucking way."

"Sorry."

"Great, just great."

**_AN: Reviews? Maybe? Come on, you know you want to. Even I can appreciate a good flaming every now and then. Anything? No, well, fine then, be that way._**


	7. Words, Hands, Hearts

**-Words, Hands, Hearts-**

After waiting for what seemed like ever, but really was only two hours, my 'mom' came in to my hospital room. Ashley sat silently looking on with interest and concern in the chair in the corner of the room as _Dr. Carlin_ checked my chart, my IV's, and my shoulder. After she seemed satisfied she finally looked at me and spoke.

"We've given you antibiotics for the virus. The worst of it should be over by now. You'll need to take it easy for a few days, take the medication you will be given until it is gone and follow the notes on your discharge papers. Also your shoulder seems to be swelling some, you might need another surgery. You should follow up everything with your regular doctor. After you get dressed stop at the nurses station to sign out and get everything you need."

And just like that she was gone, no pleasantries, no emotion, all business. I know for a fact she doesn't treat her patients that way, I guess being her daughter gets me that perk all alone. Fuck, I hate her so much, why can't she just accept me. I am stunned into silence as she leaves.

"So, um…you ready to blow this joint?"

I really have nothing to say, I just get dressed and we get what I need and leave as quickly as possible. I feel like shit and this day with that 'visit' from my mother was just a major blow to an already sore spot. How can she be so cold? I have no words.

Ashley dropped me off at home; I really just wanted to be alone. She offered to stay with me, and even though I know it hurt her somewhat, I just couldn't be around her, anyone right then. I just needed to be alone with my own thoughts.

Around five hours later my dad came home from work. He was worried and I wasn't talking. He just checked my forehead and made sure I at least seemed okay before he went to bed. I just stayed lying in my bed like I had been since I got home. I didn't go to school the next day, partially because I still felt sick, partially because I still had trouble forming coherent thoughts and I still hadn't moved yet. I like sitting alone in the dark, granted it's probably not very healthy, but there's something soothing about it.

My dad stopped by during his lunch break, tried to get me to cheer up, but he didn't help much.

"How could she act like that?"

"I don't know Spencer, I'm really sorry. That is not the woman I married, I just don't understand how your mom has changed so much, and I'm sorry you have to go through it all."

"If I need another surgery, are we going to be able to afford it?"

"Yeah, don't worry about that. You are covered under my insurance, and since your mom works at the hospital, you're covered under hers too, even though we're divorced, she's still partially responsible for you. You don't know this, but I had to fight her in court just so she would help support you. She has a much better job money wise than I do, but as far as medical stuff goes, we've always gotten off easy because the hospital covered it because of employee status. The judge ruled that you would still be covered by her insurance until you were out of college, so you don't have to worry about those kinds of bills. If you need another surgery, if you want it, then it will be no problem."

"Okay."

"I have to get back to work; I might not be home for dinner. Take care of yourself okay? And Ashley's coming over after school lets out, she's worried about you too, don't push her away Spencer. Bye sweetie."

"Bye dad."

What a piece of work my mother is, I mean how did she even get that way? I remember when I was little, I used to follow her around the house and we would just have fun doing the most mundane things. I was her little buddy and I adored her. As I got older she just got farther and farther away from that person, and now she is this cold hearted stranger that won't even claim me as her own. How does a person become that? I guess it's pointless to think she'll change, so maybe I should just let her go; give up on her because she obviously doesn't care about me anymore. Goodbye mother.

After my revelation or whatever you want to call it, I decided I needed something to take my mind off of things. So after digging through the attic I found one of Glen's old Nintendo game systems and I have been playing Super Mario Brothers for the past hour. Ah nostalgia, the simplest things can bring back such fond memories. Of course these are now memories I would most like to forget. But anyway, I am so into this game at the moment, I didn't even hear Ashley come in.

"Hey Spence, what are doing?"

"Ashley! Hey, want to play Nintendo?"

"No thanks, I never was a big fan. Now XBOX, I can play that for hours on end. Have you been doing this all day?"

"No, I just found it in the attic like an hour ago. How are you? How was school? I'm sorry for being distant; oh I might have to have surgery on my shoulder again. Are you hungry, I'm hungry?"

"Spencer, slow down. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. So, food?"

"Are you actually going to talk to me or are you going to keep up this speed-freak avoidance thing you seem to have going on?"

"Right…so, food and talk?"

"Sure, let's go."

A half hour later we're sitting in a Denny's picking at our food. I haven't really said anything yet and I don't think she knows what to say at this point.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Spence. I just wish, you know that you could talk to me, that you'd trust me. I worry about you, I just want, hell I don't know what I want, but I hate that you're hurting and I can't do anything about it."

"I do trust you. It's not about not talking to you; it's about not talking to anyone. If I would talk to anyone it would be you, then my dad, that's it. So I want to talk, I just, I don't know, I don't know how, or something, it's weird, and hard. And I know you worry about me, I worry about you too. I'm not the only one going through crap, I know you Ashley, you're hurting too, and I'm partly responsible. I guess we still need to get comfortable around each other, spend more time together. I feel like I'm pushing you away, but I miss you so damn much I don't know what else to do."

"Okay…then, I'm not leaving you, even if you get sick of me, I'm staying with you the rest of the day, maybe longer if you're lucky."

"Deal."

"How come I didn't get any stuffed animals?"

"What?"

"After I got a black eye and had to go to the hospital, the next day you gave me that 'obnoxiously cute' teddy bear with the bandage. I was just in the hospital; I want some cuddly animal or something as incentive."

"Well, until I can go shopping for something equally cuddly and cute, you have me. Plus I can make all the little 'grr' noises or whatever you want as substitute for a teddy bear or a puppy or something."

"Fine, but I expect only the best from you Ashley Davies."

"Of course you would, only the best for my Spence."

Hey, I know what you're thinking. Stupidly cute and pointless bit of conversation there. But I really did want a bear or something. Plus I'm kind of trying to avoid something here.

So now we're watching TV again, just like the other day, her holding me, and now I know I'm going to say something that I should have said a long time ago, I just can't get the words out. I can't figure out how to make my mouth work. See, this is why I hate talking, just when I finally resign to say something of importance, I can't. Ah, fuck it; I just need to spit it out.

"Three days."

"What?"

"That's how long it took me to realize that I never should have left. Three days in Ohio, and it hit me, I had been avoiding it for the two weeks I was in the hospital, and then on the third day, I knew. I was such an idiot."

"Then why didn't you just come back?"

"I was having major pride issues and I guess part of me was scared. Also, I figured some time might be a good thing, I mean, if we could survive that, then we could get through anything. Of course I should have just come back, but I couldn't."

"Well, for once you weren't smarter than me."

"Nice, Ash. I'm being serious here, give me a break."

"I'm sorry; you know I'm not good with serious stuff. But I'm glad you did come back, and that we're together, and that you're okay. As long as you're okay, I'm okay."

"I'm not okay."

"I know, but you will be."

I will be. Because she says it, because I believe her, for the first time in months, I really think everything will be okay. If I didn't have Ashley, I don't know if I'd ever be okay again, but now, I think I will be. In my heart I know it; it brought me back here, to her. I am going to be just fine.

END

**_AN: So that was the end, I hope I wrapped it all up well enough, if not, let me know. Thanks to all of you who read my story and left me reviews, I appreciated them very much. Thanks again for reading. Later monkeys._**


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